Do you have Impostor Syndrome?
Have you ever heard of impostor syndrome? I have it. I was first diagnosed by a good friend of mine, the retired and successful Executive Director at MCI/Worldcom. When I took a job as the Director of Technology for Colorado Springs School District, I realized I was in way too deep. With my head in my hands, I cried out to God, “Why did I have to be ambitious? Why could I not be satisfied with a technology support role? Why did I want to take on the technology headaches of twenty buildings and about the same number of departments? I do not have any leadership training outside of learning to lead a small group Bible study with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. Everybody in the district just wants computer networks to work 24/7; nobody wants to do a Bible study.”
My friend from MCI/Worldcom listened to my lament and laughed—it was an affectionate, sympathetic laugh. He said, "Keith, you have impostor syndrome. You are actually qualified for this job, and God has you there for his reasons and your good." He went on to explain that most of his career, he had felt like an impostor. He felt that people would discover at any moment that he did not know what he was doing, that he had oversold himself, that he was out of his league.
Here in my new role of Short-Term Coordinator for RP Missions, I feel rumblings of impostor syndrome creeping in (okay, sometimes it barges in at 2AM!). What was I thinking when I said, "Yes, I would love to do this work! It will allow me to use all my experience in direct service to the Lord in bringing the gospel to the nations. This is right inside my wheelhouse!" As I dug into the work, I found it more complex and messier than I had imagined. My estimation of my predecessor Matt Filbert grew; my estimation of myself shrunk. More than that, I found that the people I now was working with were SERIOUS about this business. No clock punching here. Whereas in my past I was reprimanded for praying too much with employees, I was learning that here in RP Global Missions land, we pray all the time. Some people have a prayer list, but these people have an index for their prayer lists.
And yet, I have been affirmed in God’s leading me here to work with RP Global Missions as the coordinator of the RP Missions program. Matt reminded me, as my previous supervisor had, that God called me to this work and will bless it for HIS purpose. He also pointed out that the fun part, when I start talking with individuals about trips and training, will come soon. Heather tells me it is okay to question the way things are done; Vince cheers me on as I try to wrap my head around the training material. Though I still feel that I am in over my head, it is a joy to be part of a team and effort so focused on taking the gospel of Jesus Christ to the nations. Daily I am reminded to hunker down, use the gifts and skills that God has given me, and trust him for the outcome. For now, picking up where Matt left off seems sort of impossible (especially for an impostor that talked his way into a job!), but I am reminded that God is faithful, that this is his work, that he will do with it what he wants, and that all my work and all the results are in Christ.
Keith Mann is the Short-term Missions Coordinator for RP Missions and a charter member of Springs Reformed Church in Colorado Springs. His recreation and exercise of choice is mountain biking. Keith is married to Jill and is a father of five, a father-in-law of two, and a grandfather of six adorable grandchildren.